Well, it seems the husband
and I are both concerned about the same things, but not in the same way.
I am lonely and lacking in social interactions with adults.
He believes I am spending too much time on social media. I think he believes I walk around with my eyes constantly glued to my cell phone and scrolling endlessly and mindlessly through Facebook all day long. As tempting as that may be, I really don't have time for that kind of dedication. My days are filled with household duties, errands and chauffeuring. I seem to always be driving somewhere! and laundry.... laundry is never ever ending! He believes I am depressed. I'm not depressed. I've been there and I know what that feels like. This isn't it. This is more of a bored and treading water kind of feeling. Doing the same things over and over and over.
I have begun to feel that I have found as social black hole. I hardly ever see any of my "girl friends". Part of it is because as the years have gone by, I find my interests and beliefs aren't lining up with some of my friends. Another reason is our children are starting to make more direct choices in what activities they want to be involved. We are are going separate ways and that's okay. Sadly, my two girls have chosen activities where there isn't too much mom interaction. You don't find a huge group of moms sitting around chatting out at the horse barn. You don't find too many of them hanging out at play rehearsals either. There are more at the theatre but there just isn't too much social interaction happening.
I am making an effort to reconnect. I am setting up a weekly coffee time and a once a month mom's night out for dinner. I hope that through these two activities we can all start feeling closer to each other again. (When I do see my friends they are telling me they are feeling out of touch as well.)
I am not depressed. Am I as happy as I could be? Probably not. I don't get much time to do things I want to do. I want to bake. I want to audition for a play. I want to do crafty type things in my craft room. I want to write more! It's just very hard to do these things when you are taking care of everyone else first. The time just isn't there for all the things I want and need to do.
My job right now is Mom Extraordinaire! I get that, and I am doing my best to embrace it and be the best "ME" I can be. (That's kind of funny... didn't plan it that way but it works) It means making sure there is a hot meal everyday: even if it comes from Burger King. It means no one is asking me why they don't have clean underwear or socks or jeans. It means two very active and involved girls get to all their activities on time and with the right equipment, music, scripts, clothes,.....
It means I get them up for school and take them on time, pick them
up on time, watch their grades, help them with homework, encourage them, love
them, comfort them... It also means making sure our home is a welcoming,
safe, loving environment for my kids and husband to come home to each day.
Here's the catch: sometimes I don't want to take care of everyone else anymore. I don't want to cook dinner, I don't want to go to the grocery store, I don't want to drive anyone anywhere. Sometimes I don't want to sit out at the barn for two hours or the theatre for two hours. I'm tired of washing and folding laundry when no one puts the clean clothes away. I'm tired of listening to my husband talk about all the problems he has had at work and how difficult his day was. How he wishes sometimes he could switch places with me. I get frustrated that there isn't anyone to listen to my hard day. Why can't I go out and do something that I enjoy? Because that would take me away from doing all the things the family needs me to do.
I'm tired. I'm bored. I need a creative outlet. I haven't felt that great in about three months. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas I came down with shingles. Shingles HURT!! Shingles makes you tired. I haven't really felt quite the same since then. I feel tired all the time. Not lethargic, but tired, like I need a nap ALL THE TIME. I went and had blood work to see if something is going on with vitamins or my thyroid or anything else medically. Should know by next week. I have gained a lot of weight and I'm not happy with that. I feel fat and I have icky scars on my face now where I had the shingles...yeah they were on my face!
I would probably feel better if I started eating healthier again and working out on a regular schedule. It has just become extremely difficult with the schedules of my other family members. Organizing time for me has just not been easy so I kind of gave up. Oops!
Time to get back to work on me too! I can't be my best "ME" if I'm slacking on myself.
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